1. Don’t touch the bottom of our stomachs when spooning. Imagine walking with a huge plate of jelly and you trip and it all slides to one side of the plate – that’s how the gunt feels when laying on our side.
Under boob – fine
Actual boob – even better
Gunt – sleep on the floor
2. If she repeatedly says something is ‘fine’ it probably kinda almost definitely is 99.9% not fine.
3. When a pretty girl is passing by and you turn your head the other way before she reaches us, we know it’s because you think it’s a subtle way of checking her out as she walks away. Almost cute.
4. It may seem really old school and perhaps a little corny, but we all reeeeally love receiving flowers. Few things can’t be solved by a bunch of pretties (famine, war etc) but they’re sure to turn a frown upside down. If flowers seem too cheesy, go for the modern day offering – a cactus. Extra points if you throw in a succulent.
5. At some point or another, a girl has taken a screenshot of your conversation and sent it into a group message for it to be psychoanalysed. It’s just what we do.
6. We’re really quite sorry about all the hair we seem to leave everywhere. Who knew we shed like a dog? Ditto the liberal distribution of hair ties and bobby pins. They are the most elusive of items, we don’t do it on purpose!
7. Most of the time we really don’t mind where we eat. We’re not just saying it.
8. If you turn us down for a cuddle once, we will remember and hold it against you for approximately 56 years.
9. … Seriously though. We remember everything and the worse things seem to have a special little place in our complex minds. For example:
“You said you hated this dress in February two years ago when we went to that restaurant in that village where I had lasagne and now you’ve ruined it for me.”
10. We don’t know why we love IKEA so much but we love it even more when you come too because it’s just cute (and we don’t know why it’s cute either).
11. We know you don’t like lipstick but we really do, sometimes so much so that we don’t care you won’t kiss us because of it. Sorry.
12. It’s a sweet slice of relief that most guys turn their nose up at Pinterest because if you saw the total sum of all the homeware we want/bathroom design/our wedding board, you would run for the hills. We just know what we want, okay?