1. Spending extended periods of time examining your face in a magnified mirror. What business do you have on my forehead, unsqueezable lump?
2. Binge eating late at night and pretending it doesn’t matter because if you go to sleep straight after, it’s not like a real memory or event, right? Definitely wouldn’t dream of eating after I brush my teeth either, those people are GRIM!
*slowly pulls Curly Wurly from under pillow and silently peels open/folds into mouth*
3. Being relieved you have no plans on a Friday night. Full time work is just REALLY hard, okay?! Pjs, takeaway, film, yes! It’s fine. I’ll go out on Saturday (to do a food shop).
4. After extensive essential investigating, accidentally liking a potential bed buddy’s Facebook profile photo of him and his ex from 2010, exploding into a ball of flames and contemplating moving to Panama.
5. Standing aimlessly in front of a full length mirror in your underwear, analysing every single inch of your body. Then taking off your underwear, looking briefly in horror and diving into bed in case someone in your empty room sees you/someone has planted a hidden camera (Ashton, is that you???)
6. Telling everyone how much of a knob your ex is and how you’re sooooo much happier without him, but secretly doing a late night Facebook stalk of that (obvious) SLUT who he’s now porking…
*implodes with fury that she has a flatter stomach than you*
*does 10 sit ups*
*eats Creme Egg*
7. Taking 58594 selfies on a quiet Sunday in order to get that perfect ‘natural shot’ for Instagram to laden with hashtags and get 58594 likes to give your sad, sad day a boost. Additionally forgetting to delete 58594 photos from your phone, only to realise as someone is looking at your phone, making you lunge for it. Person is then convinced you have been taking all the nipple shots.
8. Being bitter about someone doing well. Yaaaaay you have your dream job and get paid double what I do, even though at uni you went out five times a week, attended one lecture EVER and visited the library once to PRINT YOUR DISSERTATION. Yay success 4 u.
9. Meticulously watching YouTube make up tutorials, attempting to recreate the look and ending up looking like you motorboated your make up collection. Even a filter can’t save you hun.
10. Having to start your new diet that is going to transform you into a Victoria’s Secret angel on a Monday. It makes so much sense, how else will you remember to tell people when the inevitable transformation began?
Monday (Day One of Life Changing Diet)
Breakfast: poached egg and avocado on toast (I am so healthy omg must Instagram)
Lunch: chicken caesar salad and a banana (I must have lost at least 7lbs by now?)
Dinner: pizza, wedges, garlic bread, half a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, a slice of nan’s birthday cake and five digestives with tea.
… Better wait til Monday to start again?