1. When you’re doomed to sit on the pull down seat by the door and some filthy bastard comes and uses the toilet and LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN. Do you think I want to smell your morning turd?
2. People who sit in the aisle seat when there’s a spare seat next to them. Just why?! So ensues an awkward conversation asking for them to move so you get past and they look at you like you’ve asked them to give you a sponge bath. HATE YOU.
3. When you pay an absolute bomb for your ticket and a predictably poor service, yet your ticket isn’t even checked BUT if you didn’t buy a ticket you can be around 98% certain that the man and his little machine accessory will come sashaying down the aisle.
4. That person who plays trance music at the highest volume on their headphones at 8am so the whole carriage can hear *bangs head repeatedly on toilet door* (pull down seat, innit)
5. WHY do commuters just stare aimlessly at you? When you look at them in turn, they look way, you look away, you feel eyes on you, you look back, they look away. WHY? (Although the other day I did find myself daydreaming at an attractive male eating soft mints)
6. When people try to shove you out the way so they can board the train before you. Yes I’ve been awake for 13 hours and my eyes are drooping, but I wouldn’t consider connecting my elbow with your stomach for that pleasure (9/10 of times, anyway). Ditto those commuters who try to board before people have got off/block the way for people getting off. No.
7. The incessant sniffing. BLOW. YOUR. NOSE. Also the general germy-ness of commuting – I’ve never been ill so often and so severely since I started full time life. It even resulted in me being disgustingly ill over this Christmas. Cheerz guys.
8. People who don’t honour the personal seat space situation. Sitting by the window while someone sat beside you is essentially on your lap is far from pleasant, especially if they are eating something fishy/messy/like a lion on a gazelle.
Even worse if you’re squashed by a sleeping commuter who snores so loudly everyone looks over and you have to do the small smile of acknowledgement as if to say ‘oh god tell me about it har har har’ to anyone you accidentally make eye contact with.
9. The hummers. No, not the chavvy cars we coveted once upon a time while watching Super Sweet 16, the odd, frankly fucking annoying people who sit on the silent yet packed peak time trains with a little smile on their face, humming along to absolutely nothing. Everyone stares, everyone has a burning hatred for them, but no one would say a thing cos we’re so damn British.
10. The free spirits on the train in the morning, swigging for a can of Stella.
1. It smells
2. It’s 8am
3. We all envy you